Hi mesmericsiren, here's your reading for 2019. I'd love to hear what you think of it!
– Hi Saskia, thank you so much for reading for me and I do apologise for the long wait for my feedback. After I returned from my travels, I was told about my redundancy so I have been trying to figure things out and sort through that. In any case, I do appreciate your time and patience and thank you once again
What I need to heal in 2019 and why? HIEROPHANT - PAGE OF CUPS RX
Hmm, your relationship with authorities needs some overhaul. You may feel you live in a very rigid world where someone else is dictating how you should behave, think and act; or, you wish to be some kind of authority, such as a teacher or religious leader or keeper of tradition.
I have never really been one to challenge authority so much because I never really felt like I have ever been overburdened or oppressed by them. I do generally like things more structured, so perhaps that is why I feel a bit more secure with keeping things the way they are, if it isn’t broken, then leave things be. I wouldn’t consider myself super rigid, I do enjoy fluidity but within boundaries and reason. If that makes sense
You may have found earlier in your life that authorities, rules and traditions bring peace and order, but now you've started to 'outgrow' that because it's suppressing your emotional expression and freedom of thought.
Yes, very much so, this resonates with me because while I like structure and order, I am governed more so by my feelings, so sometimes it can be a bit of a struggle for me, when it comes to decision making etc because while I like order, structure, logic and planning, I tend to ever really do or decide on things if it ‘feels’ right. Of late, I tend to feel a little stifled particularly with work and life in general because I am feeling a lack of direction
You seem quite keen to develop your own values based on your feelings and intuition and that's the reason why it is a good and needed idea to challenge some of the teachings, traditions and authority figures you currently have in your life, even if the authority figure is you yourself.
This is really interesting to me, I never kind of looked at myself as an authority figure so it is funny how you mention that. I am always striving to learn and I enjoy little challenges and definitely my values are very much fixed on my intuition and my sense of what is right and wrong. I feel very restless and troubled when I feel things are unfair or when I am not emotionally fulfilled, this applies to all areas of life really, work, friends, family. I do feel 2019 is a year of change for me, I had felt that towards the end of 2018, but because I am a creature of habit, I find it hard to sort of push myself of the edge to act, so to speak. So this redundancy that suddenly happens, I feel if I look at it on a more positive light, is the universe’s way of telling me, get off your butt. Lol
What are the best steps to take to heal? 8 CUPS - 6 WANDS RX
You may need to cut ties with people or past events that at one time meant a lot to you, but that don't serve you anymore. You don't need to hang on to events or people just because they've been in your life for a long time;
I tend naturally to feel attached to people, event and things. I always remember how I feel towards something, someone or what happened. That is definitely true and I struggle to let things go, not super sure why to be honest, just I feel the stronger the attachment the more of a void I feel. It’s the finite actions that I find difficult to deal with.
it's completely ok and healthy to re-evaluate who you are, what you want, where you want to be, and make amends and adjustments accordingly. Walking away or closing a chapter are not 'losing' or 'giving up', they are essential steps in productive, expansive and happy life. You don't need anybody's approval or recognition to make up your own mind and you don't need to be praised by anyone to know you're doing the right thing or succeeding on your own life journey. Nobody else but you can tell whether you're doing well and feeling fulfilled - trust your own inner voice and intuitive feelings about what direction your life should take.
I value and appreciate this advice. I never really seek approval from anyone but I do tend to feel sometimes underwhelmed by my own successes or maybe by my lack of concrete direction. I think living day to day has served me for the most part but looking back, sometimes it does feel a little void, like maybe I should have, could have done more. But things always make more sense in hindsight, so maybe 2019 is definitely a year for me to evaluate what makes me happy or what really is important. I struggle with deciding at the moment whether I should move back to be with family or to stay where I am and figure things out. My parents are getting older so a part of me does feel like I should be there with them but the other part of me feels like it would be a mistake to move back without a plan, because I will just end up regretting it.
What are the most likely obstacles for my healing? 7 PENTACLES RX - TEMPERANCE RX
It seems you'll encounter a double whammy: your own impatience and the fact that your views and outsiders' views will not align. This is quite understandable if you start challenging, questioning or re-thinking teachings or traditions you've so far taken for granted or at least as things that make sense. People or society around you won't necessarily understand or support you in your quest to find your own values and lifestyle, and you may feel there's no point, it's too hard work or it takes too long to figure things out. Just try to grow your patience; growth means maturing and maturing means you're becoming more fully yourself, a stronger soul.
I feel like this speaks quite directly to the internal turmoil I’m feeling when it comes to this move to be with family. I feel in some way I should do the right thing and move back to be with them because I love them to bits but a part of me also feels like what if I move back and I hate it. I will end up just arguing because I am frustrated and then regret the move altogether. They want me to move back and I do too but theres a niggling voice that always keeps stopping me from biting the bullet. Goodness, the more I read your words and processing how I feel, the more it makes sense to me, that this really is how I am feeling. Very much so a conflict of my values (filial piety and closeness to my mother and knowing she wants me close) against the lifestyle that I value and the independence that I feel is important to me. And this redundancy that is kicking my butt because it makes it harder to stay strong and stay on my own without a job.
How will my life be different after I heal? PAGE OF SWORDS RX - 2 CUPS RX - 3 PENTACLES RX
You'll feel your mind is freer to explore all kinds of new ideas, not just those accepted or expected by the authorities you've had in your life so far (religious, academic, teachers and gatekeepers including your parents and elders). You'll eventually meet like-minded people you'll connect with beautifully and want to cooperate with and work together towards common goals. It seems even love and romance are possible on this path, the very least you'll meet some great people you recognise as your tribe, your emotional and mental kin. This process will take time, though, as your soul searching may be slow and you might not instantly know what direction to take - hence the warning about impatience as an obstacle! Best of luck on your journey
I do sincerely hope so, and I do really want to stay strong and find my path, for lack of a better word. I’m not unhappy with how things are but I do feel I would be happier if I had some direction or at least rediscover what it is that makes me happy again. I want to be able to answer that question wholeheartedly and with conviction, something which I find hard to do now, if anyone were to ever ask me that question.
Sorry for the rant feedback, I was just thinking as I was reading your advice and processing it at the same time. It really resonated with me and I truly want to tahnk you for your advice. Big hugs and many thanks for your patience also while waiting for me to come back to you. Have a lovely 2019 ahead <3