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PageOfCups

TT&M Family
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    TT&M Family

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  1. OMG WHUUUUUTTTTT~ my friend went on a trip to Hungary and she got me these cards for omiyage: you know you’re a dukun when you get cartomancy decks for omiyage~ LMAO <THANK YOU >
  2. On a scale of 0–10, how shocked would I be if it turned out that the user(s) who called me things like "loon" were part of the PR Team? -1,000,000,000 (minus a million) I wish I were psychic because then I'd know for sure. I don't trust people. People lie.
  3. ETA: I’m talking about my Scandi diminutive name, by the way (not the Roman name). although I’M SURE despite the unfair amounts of crazy, damning coincidences I’ve had to deal with and make sense of and come to terms with, there will be people out there who are happy to accuse me & arm-chair-diagnose me of being “schizophrenic” it something equally invalidating/discrediting and gaslight-y... i need to make CSS Tumblr public again because I want it out there that it was MY IDEA to write a character with astrological magical powers. My claim to the idea. people need to stop stealing & taking away from me. i have so many mangoes!!!! The hard, light kind. And random juices. With spicy rujak sause. And the juices when it gets too spicy! Hell yeah! 🌶
  4. I feel like my anger/indignance/sadness when people call me a “loon/nutjob” is justified. but although I can’t help but feel shame, I feel resentment over feeling the shame. because I Real like I don’t deserve to be forced to feel the humiliation and shame. this isn’t the only coincidence that happened to me. rememeber how I said on #P that the catfisher ghosted me after the engagement announcement? well, around the time it had been announced that I just got cast in my first play/theatre role, Thomas (the real deal, not the catfisher/imposter) wrote a congratulations greeting card that made rounds in the fandom. it was for a film crew member’s daughter who’d just been accepted to a bachelor’s programme/college or something (can’t t’emmène the details). But it said “congratulations” basically. This was in September 2015 (or whenever I found out i’d Been cast back then). the thing is, the daughter’s NAme was the same as my name. It was addressed to a girl the same name as mine, around the time it would be appropriate to congratulate me for a major life milestone. at the time, I felt so worried for Thomas. i used to think he ghosted me because he was a jerk, but then I wondered whether he never contacted me because Soraya was controlling him (and his communications—meaning She read his emails/phone records/texts/chats/private DMs, etc). Like she forbid him from taking to me. and so this supposed “kindness for a crew member’s daughter” was his way of reaching out without getting into trouble with Soraya... i mean they announced that they took the n’amène (C-P, hyphenated) I wanted only a few weeeks after I wrote in my old blog (the one I kept since 2015 before I realised I’d been catfished) about my diagnosis & the possibility of having children. And i thought, how could they? These crazy coincidences were just so, so damning for me. i don’t know why tehy happened? you don’t have to be: - erotomianiac - delusional - crazy to be as upset as I was. i mean with coincidences THAT SPOT-ON, what do you expect the catfished “serious career secret girlfriend” to think, to feel? i had to make sense of it all, come to terms that I was catfished, and then on top of that have to put up with being called names and mocked. By judgmental people who have no idea what I’ve been through. i’m not trying to be “whee-wheew victim” here, but I’m just trying to explain the STUPID INJUSTICES that make my blood boil.
  5. I need a break from Western civilisation. As a “traumatised-queer” (fluid all around), Pride Month is torturous for me. I haven’t been the same since the Yolanda Cunanan Stalker. She may have turned me into a homophobe... (Although Lucy says I’m not.) Like imagine having PTSD from combat & it’s D-Day Commemoration for a WHOLE MONTH (and everyone’s got some type of WWII-themed profile pic/avatar). Plus, I come from a culture with a language without gendered-pronouns—thank heavens (and also where you don’t draw attention to yourself and make demands like that). It’s exhausting to watch.
  6. This is all a reminder to always trust my gut about people (remind me to write about the Asperger’s eye contact thing during the dress rehearsals & how I shamed myself for being “negative thinking” while driving on my way home... only to discover as soon as I got out of the car that she was just being fake nice to me and stabbed me in the back). ☝ THAT is why you should always trust your gut instincts. I’m not even talking about spirituality here! Homo sapiens are animals, our bodies warn us when it senses danger. Just like animals in the wild against predators/hunters. UNRELATED RANDOM THOUGHT: and what’s the point of living an “ethical” lifestyle if you’re going to be cruel to hoomans? I said it on #P (Chapter 2): those overpriced “ethical products” are status symbols of the middle class. It’s a class thing, yet again, but the worst thing about it is, now if you can’t afford the prices at the health shop/gourmet supermarket, now you’re a “terrible human being” too. Its like classism disguised as altruism. it used to be that if you don’t own certain assets, you’re just “poor”. It used to be that if you were religious, it had nothing to do with your socioeconomic standing in society. Now you’re poor AND “unethical”. It’s not right.
  7. This is awesome! me personally, when it comes to the Cups suite, I sometimes imagine the contents of the cups spilling. Especially when it’s like the 9 of Cups or whatever.
  8. Just did a bit of a digital cleanse and purged some people off Instagram (303 to 298, I think—I hadn’t realised I no longer followed certain people, but I did unfollow their spouses), Twitter (180 to 170), and WordPress (one person I thought was a friend who’s been really bothering me). It’s unsavoury and untoward, it was completely unexpected: I mean I’ve seen it before, around last year a little after I got my back stabbed (and strangely enough I no longer follow her—IDK if I unfollowed her first when she sabotaged my work, or she blocked me because she couldn’t handle seeing me have my moment, my 5th and final role). But after FOR THE FIRST TIME I openly grieved over Christopher-Robin (I still do in a way a mother would whose child was taken away from them), she posts about “children”. Now she’s practically taken my description of #P off AO3 and used that as a title. What is she trying to imply? Is she trolling me? Is she trying to attach herself to me? I never bothered clicking on the emails in fear of being triggered, but the titles were all super click-baity for anyone aware of the “History Rumour” (kind of how like MM’s half-brother’s boxing stagename is “The Duke”, ha get it). Remember when I told you I know someone who talks in that “actress at a press junket” tone IRL? I was talking about her (she talked like that at a Q&A once; like she was Charlize Theron talking to a trade, promoting an Oscar-bait or something LMAO, it was kind of ridiculous—you can tell she spends A LOT of time watching that stuff and playing herself doing it in her head LOLOLOLOL). She sure as hell isn't a close friend to me, just to be clear—my family owns a property in the complex, but we’re not “neighbours” and we don’t communicate online (I don’t even ever look at her social media content, except for that WordPress subscription that I’d get sent to me via email until I unsubscribed this morning). The last time I saw her in person was when she crashed our thing in late 2017. She is so thirsty. 🏜 OMG just go away. Is being married to a director not paying off for you or something?! Is it not enough that you’ve smeared my professional reputation on social media with your misleading videos? The Christoper-Robin (hyphenated) thing is one of the most serious things I’ve had to endure in life, and you’re going to exploit that to quench your thirst? I’m practically GRIEVING A CHILD I NEVER HAD THE CHANCE TO HAVE, YOU COLD-HEARTED ****. On top of being catfished, for heavan’s sakes. I feel like people will understand me more if I speak openly about Christopher-Robin (hyphenated) now. I hope people understand why I keep saying “I want my first marriage to be with a man with NO children from a previous marriage”, I’m really just saying “I want nothing to do with the people who stole the name I planned to use for MY first child” (I mean I told Aunty-Sister and she said, “oh, no” and she laughed for what felt like 5 minutes straight—or at least it was some random woman on the phone with an English accent). How could they? It was one of the most excruciating things I’ve experienced in my life. It’s one of the two things that took me to a very, very dark place (the other being, reading MIL-fan blogs—those MIL fans/blogs were the reason why I used to self-harm). At first I didn’t want to say it (tell people about the Christopher-Robin incident) because the coincidence was so crazy, I was afraid people wouldn’t believe me (but then again we also live in a world of coincidences like his smoking the brand of Indonesian cloves I said I liked—LOL, I don’t smoke, I was just experimenting with the cherry-flavoured ones that they only market in the EU, he smokes the black fags). Naughty Javanese girl being bad. Ha. The trouble is, when I say it like that people think I’m this horrible human being. I remember on one of E’s MM threads, someone asked, “may I ask why you wouldn’t want a man with children?” (When in reality step children are more convenient for me as I can’t have children of my own anyway, and you only get them on the weekends—I’d love to marry any man with children, just not Thomas; because don’t rub the child whose name you stole from me in my face, are people trying to push me to the edge or something? It’s terribly cruel what they did. It’s emotional torture.) Maybe if I explain to people what really happened, and what I really mean, then they’ll understand me better. Maybe then people will be kinder to me? I felt like an evil person when someone asked me why (and then I’d give them this daft/childish answer like, “because I want my first experience in a real relationship to Ben simple and pure” or some nonsense—on the surface people say, “okay fair enough!” But I wonder if they secretly judge me for being ‘selfish’ for the bogus answer I gave them). But I’m in so much pain from it. I’ve never understood the concept of “hate-following”, you know? Why would you look at things that would upset you, and invite bad energy into your life like that way? Cutting off sources of bad energy isn’t always woo-woo, keeping your account(s) private helps. Spiritual cleansing can do a lot, but it’s just easier to create email filters and things like that in the physical world... I do instantly feel lighter afterwards—just knowing I will no longer receive email updates from her pretentious faux-introspective blog that’s just pure thirst manouvering all the way. I see that a lot with these “Rx Queen of Wands” types (FTR I don’t waste my life’s time/energy ever doing readings on these people, I just use the archetypes as shorthand). They always make these hollow declarations of “care/concern/social awareness” but they're so empty. I read one on a thread about Mt. Everest the other day (in Indonesian we say, “tong kosong nyaring bunyinya” which means “empty barrel bangs/sounds loudly”empty barrels make louder noises). And they take themselves sooooo seriously... It’s like the superficial “world peace” stuff beauty queens read off coaching flash cards. None of it feels real. I know my actress.com blog is weird and sloppy (the one about CSS and “works of fiction as chakras”, anyone? LMAO) but at least I mean and feel everything I say. I’d rather look unpolished and say ridiculous ish than be one of those faux-introspective people who are actually super mean and shallow IRL. I’ve seen makeup bloggers with more depth (not saying that I expect beauty gurus to be vapid anyway—I find makeup artists can be really sensitive/kind because they know what kind of mean things people say about other people’s looks). My God, when they can’t insinuate themselves into your life as friends, they try to gain notoriety by becoming your enemy. JUST GO AWAY!!!!! People can be really... I don’t think I even have words for what these thirsty people are doing. I’ve just decided that I no longer want to know what they’re doing.
  9. In happier news, check out my tipsy doodle from earlier today, LMAO: i’m Going to try to Ben better about sticking to my Javanese days of silence when I’m supposed to meditate. I keep posting online when I’m not supposed to! Here they are the Javanese Days of Silence are marked with blue pen: Maybe posting it to twitter (like I used to) will force some accountability out of me!
  10. Just when i start toying with the idea of being social again, a drought hits Jakarta... 🏜 on the eve eve of Eid of all times! who the hell posts a thirst manoeuvre on the Eve of Eid?! I mean I’m the grinchiest of grinchy person you’ll ever meat—I don’t even necessarily celebrate Eid and even I think this is distateful/disrespectful and I hate that I had to post something like this on most people’s big day! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!
  11. My gut instinct likes to tell me things other people don't want to hear. Then people shoot the messanger... But okay?
  12. JUJU & PAMMY VEGAN LOVE STORY ftw, tho. i’m going to make sure i fall in love like that at least once before I die. I am so invested. LOL.
  13. It’s definitely not a lie when they say what you regret in life isn’t what you DO, but what you DON’T do. It’s all 100% truth. I’d know.
  14. I had a pretty “Harry Potter” childhood (because of my family, locally and only in limited social circles—not properly famous as in national news d’amour). By the time I came of age, I was sick of attention and wanted none of it (although I kind of feel gutted now that Seventeen Indonesia never called about that modelling gig after they asked for my number—back then I was glad they never called, now I wished that they HSBC because then I’d be like Reese in “Cruel Intentions” LOL). But I still want some recognition. I don’t like attention, but I still want to be the Hatchikō statue at Shibuya instead of some random at Shibuya X-ing. Like I want to be able to say, “I’m M, during my lifetime I created X, Y, and Z—and people still enjoy it today (after my death).” Actually I wouldn’t mind creating something that eventually became obsolete or irrevelant either. But I want to have some sort of achievement and be known for it. I don’t however just want to ebb on eaome random reality show cat-fighting with some a-hole. That’s not how I want my attention. That’s just trashy... Like I don’t mind if it’s a tad (little,!” Just a teensy bit controversial like Juju Assange is okay—although I prefer my achievement to be non-devisive/polarising). Because you know I can’t stand conflict: https://amp.economist.com/asia/2019/05/25/how-the-mores-of-indonesias-biggest-ethnic-group-shape-its-politics?__twitter_impression=true Yesterday in the shower I realised the pang I’d regrets of not doing my master’s thesis on cyberlaw back when the field was still in its infancy. I got really good grades (8’s and 9’s in a freaking stingy Dutch uni FFS) and I was the only girl in that elective class. I had a chance to make a name for myself and I screwed it up because... I WAS TOO SHY TO ASK MY ACADEMIC ADVISOR & I DIDNT WANT TO TROUBLE HIM BECAUSE I’D ALREADY GONE SO FAR WITH MY CURRENT TOPIC. Damn you Juju & Pammy for reminding me. Damn you. I will never get over this. Ever. But I really do want to make something out of my life.
  15. Teeheehee, Frenchie.
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