Taking a Step Back

I feel the need to take a step back from my previous blog posts. The depth and detail I’ve explored there seem misplaced when considering my current position; I'm a beginner, still searching and uncertain. Although my earlier analyses weren’t wrong, they seem to present an expertise that I don’t quite attribute to myself. So, Kluizenaar: breathe in, breathe out, step away from that hyper-focused mindset, and gain some perspective, get that helicopter view.

A Personal Note

This blog post is extremely personal (without revealing identifying details), so it might be of little interest to the reader. On the other hand, you might see yourself in it or find something valuable from a human interest perspective.

Early Life and Initial Exposure to Religion

I was born into a barely practicing Roman Catholic family in the south of the Netherlands. I was Baptized and received my first Communion. However, that was the extent of my engagement with religious rituals; I never went through Confirmation. We only attended church on Christmas. Strangely enough, religion was never a topic of discussion at home, and my curiosity never gravitated toward it. I was probably involved with the Catholic Church out of tradition or to please my grandparents. In any case, this essentially sums up my early personal history with Roman Catholicism.

Rediscovering Christianity in My Twenties

It wasn’t until my twenties, during my teacher training, that I came into contact with Christianity again, this time from a cultural perspective. The Bible has played such a significant role in Western history that it’s impossible to ignore it from a general cultural standpoint. I became familiar with the stories from the Old and New Testaments, not from a moral or ethical standpoint, but purely from a narrative perspective. This allowed me to experience maximum freedom, without the pressure to conform to any message. Christianity suddenly became attractive, without evangelical intent. My faith wasn’t strengthened; I remained agnostic, but my interest was piqued.

Later, through a Christian roommate, I came into contact with an emerging church. Here, people discussed Bible stories, their messages, and how to apply them to their own lives. Despite being openly non-religious, I was welcomed in the group, and I always enjoyed sparring with believers. It sharpened my viewpoints, made me think, and broadened my perspective on others. It didn’t make me religious, but it did make me increasingly curious about spirituality in general.

Exploring Gnosticism and Hermeticism

I sensed that there was truth in the biblical teachings, but certain key aspects didn’t quite align with my beliefs. The concept of an external deity incarnated in one person conflicted with the societal principle of equality, which I highly value. The Trinity also felt like an artificial construct that didn’t quite fit. It was a relief when I encountered Gnostic texts, particularly the Gospel of Thomas. Suddenly, Christ was not a person, but a state of being, comparable to Nirvana in Buddhism. By following Christ, one could become like Christ, achieving this state of being. This, of course, was in stark contrast to what my believing friends held, so I gradually distanced myself from the emerging church.

Much later, I came across Hermeticism, which resonated with the Gnostic teachings. "As above, so below" deeply resonated with me. The larger cosmic or divine has a reflection in the smaller, personal realm, just as the Christ-spirit from a Godhead is mirrored in each individual. I read a lot about it, but due to distractions in my personal life, I never really made it my own. I intend to rekindle my interest in this.

The Intersection of Spirituality and Rationality

From a Hermetic perspective, I quickly found truth in tarot: if the cosmic runs in sync with the lower, material reality, then the cards could also reflect this. The cards do not influence reality, but are a translation from a higher realm into a system that humans can understand. I’m in doubt as to whether this is what I truly believe, as it doesn’t align with the scientific rationality I was raised in. However, since it resonates with me on a gut level, I place a lot of value on it. At the very least, it has a psychological impact on me.

My Journey So Far

In short, my journey so far has been fairly tumultuous, even though I haven’t had to endure major personal setbacks. My life hasn’t known any shocking events that have driven me to my current outlook, but my search has been mainly fueled by an inherent intellectual and spiritual hunger. Besides the path described above, I’ve also made sidesteps into Buddhism and developed a fascination with Western alchemy. I would like to delve more deeply into the latter.

Conclusion

For those who’ve read this: thank you. I could have written this just for myself, but somehow I know that at least one person will find something in this account. There’s no wise message, no exciting twist, no comfort for those in need of comfort. But isn’t life sometimes just that simple? Is shock necessary for Enlightenment? At least not for the search for it.