Spiritual Principles - Self-compassion

[Bodhiseed]

The information below came from a talk given by Dr. Kristen Neff:

 

 

Self-esteem refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves. For years it was seen as the ultimate marker of psychological health. Yet high self-esteem can be problematic. In American culture, high self-esteem requires us to feel special and above average. Using such a measurement scale, we must find ways to puff ourselves up and put others down. It’s no wonder studies have shown a sharp rise in narcissism and bullying in the last few years. And what happens when we fail? We feel lousy about ourselves. Yet there is a way to embrace ourselves, faults and all: self-compassion.

First it’s helpful to know what self-compassion isn’t. It isn’t self-pity, which leads us to feel like we’re the only ones in the world suffering and keeps us wrapped up in our emotional drama. Neither is it self-indulgence, which often creates more harm than well-being in the long term. Instead, self-compassion contains three core components:

1) self-kindness – in the place of harsh judgment, we treat ourselves with patience, empathy, understanding and gentleness.

2) common humanity – as an alternative to looking for ways we are different from others, we see how we’re much the same. Our imperfections as humans are part of what connects us to each other.

3) mindfulness – we attend to our own suffering without exaggerating or dismissing it. We can be compassionate towards ourselves without self-identifying with emotions.

Our inner critic often thinks criticism is what motivates us, but studies show it actually undermines us. Such critical self-talk taps into our threat defense system; it releases cortisol, causing stress and a flight or fight response in our bodies. We become both the attacked and the attacker.  On the other hand, self-compassion taps into our caregiving system; it decreases stress while releasing neuro-hormones such as oxytocin and opiates (which make us feel safe, content and calm). Studies show self-compassion is strongly related to mental well-being, life satisfaction and happiness. Compared to self-esteem, it provides the benefits without the pitfalls.

 

[Bodhiseed]

Sometimes the line between self-care and self-compassion vs. self-indulgence and self-destruction can be hard to see clearly. This is a list I made to remind myself of some healthy ways to nurture myself:

 

Go for a photo walk. Walk at a comfortable pace and pay attention to your surroundings, especially the small things that you might not notice if you were in a rush. Take a picture of whatever is interesting or makes you smile.

 

Take a luxurious bath; add essential oils, bubble bath or simply Epsom salts as you desire. Light a few candles and cut off the lights. This isn’t about bathing; it’s about soaking and relaxing!

 

Find a park with swings and swing to your heart’s content.

 

Get a blanket and lay down outside (somewhere safe without too many distractions). Watch the clouds if it’s daytime, or look for shooting stars or constellations if it’s nighttime.

 

Cook a meal for yourself (try to find a happy medium between a healthy choice and comfort food).

 

Go to the library and check out some books that you enjoy (they can be inspirational, something you’re interested in learning about, or just “mind-candy” that’s fun to read).

 

Spend some quality time with your pets (they love us no matter what). If you don’t have any, go visit a friend who does.

 

Try something new that you’ve always wanted to do but never took the time.

 

For a change of scenery, go for a drive, even if it’s only to some attraction in a nearby town.

 

Find a type of meditation that you can enjoyably practice. Consider alternatives (ex.: coloring books).

 

Listen to the music you love, especially some that you can sing along with or dance to.

 

Call a friend (or friends) and hang out at the coffee shop together.

 

Make sleep a priority and disconnect from all “blue screens” (TV, computer, etc.) at least an hour before bedtime. Experiment with sound machines, essential oils, or guided relaxations to see what helps you sleep more soundly.

 

Try doing some yoga, tai chi or chi-kung (qigong) – any exercise that can be done slowly and mindfully at your own pace.

 

If you enjoy a craft (knitting, painting, jewelry-making, etc.), spend some time doing it.

 

Have your own movie night (with popcorn); watch what you want to watch.

 

Make an altar that has meaning for you and your spiritual path. Use it to start your day – to light a candle, say a prayer or do a meditation.

 

Do a crossword, word search, Sudoku, or any other kind of puzzle (including a jigsaw puzzle).

 

Find a group that inspires and encourages you, whether a church, book club, hobbyists, etc.

 

Create a cozy spot in your home just for you; surround it with what is comfortable and beautiful.

 

Find what makes you laugh, whether talking to a witty friend, watching a video, or a favorite author.

 

[Cocobird55]

Bodhiseed -- that's a wonderful list. I do some of these things, and will give some of your other ones a try.

[Bodhiseed]

Thanks Cocobird!  :D