Asking about the well-being of a friend

[Anouk]

What question could I ask and spread to use in order to find out if a friend is ok. I can't ask the friend because they're the kind of person who always says "yeah, good thanks."

 

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[Grandma]

That's a tricky question and it cuts to the heart of some ongoing debates about the nature of tarot and how it should be used.

 

What do you mean by "if the friend is okay"?  Are you wondering what she is feeling and what she is thinking?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I think you want to know.

 

Not everyone believes that the cards can tell us what another person is thinking and feeling; and not everyone who believes the cards can do this feels it is right to look into someone's head without their permission.  Some readers consider it an invasion of privacy, especially since the friend declines to share her thoughts and feelings even when asked directly. 

 

So I would suggest thinking hard about whether you want to use your cards this way.  I personally wouldn't, but neither would I say that you shouldn't.  It's up to you.   

 

But if you have something else in mind, like exploring a situation that you already know about and are in a fair position to evaluate, that may be different.  I'd have to know more about the circumstances that are concerning you before thinking about ways to go about doing it.  And if it's something I wouldn't do myself, I promise I will not judge you if you decide to do it, but neither would I be able to help you with ideas about questions and spreads.

 

But I will say that your friend is lucky to have you for a friend because you obviously care about her and want her to be well.

 

 

[Anouk]

That's a tricky question and it cuts to the heart of some ongoing debates about the nature of tarot and how it should be used.

 

What do you mean by "if the friend is okay"?  Are you wondering what she is feeling and what she is thinking?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I think you want to know.

 

Not everyone believes that the cards can tell us what another person is thinking and feeling; and not everyone who believes the cards can do this feels it is right to look into someone's head without their permission.  Some readers consider it an invasion of privacy, especially since the friend declines to share her thoughts and feelings even when asked directly. 

 

So I would suggest thinking hard about whether you want to use your cards this way.  I personally wouldn't, but neither would I say that you shouldn't.  It's up to you.   

 

But if you have something else in mind, like exploring a situation that you already know about and are in a fair position to evaluate, that may be different.  I'd have to know more about the circumstances that are concerning you before thinking about ways to go about doing it.  And if it's something I wouldn't do myself, I promise I will not judge you if you decide to do it, but neither would I be able to help you with ideas about questions and spreads.

 

But I will say that your friend is lucky to have you for a friend because you obviously care about her and want her to be well.

That's definitely something that I've thought about, considering my right to know how someone else is feeling if they resist sharing it openly with me.

 

I suppose, then, I'm looking for a non-invasive question or spread. I was thinking "how can I help x" but then there's an assumption that she needs help, which may not be the case.

 

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[Grandma]

That's definitely something that I've thought about, considering my right to know how someone else is feeling if they resist sharing it openly with me.

 

I suppose, then, I'm looking for a non-invasive question or spread. I was thinking "how can I help x" but then there's an assumption that she needs help, which may not be the case.

 

I'm glad you've thought about it.  I believe we have a responsibility as readers to use our abilities in ways that we each believe are ethical.  Not that we all have to have the same opinion on what is okay or not okay to do, just that we all come to our own well thought out conclusions.

 

I guess the first thing I would want to know, as you pointed out, is whether she needs help; and if I thought she did, then I would ask what kind of help she needs.  Could you share what it is that is worrying you?  The more specific the better, like maybe "I think her son may be using drugs" or "she's been missing a lot of work and I think she may be ill".  And some details about your friendship might help too, like has she confided you in the past?  How much do you know about the area of her life that you are worried about, and how do you know it?  Do you have mutual friends who might be non-privacy-invading sources of information?  And so forth.

 

Full disclosure - this is brand new territory for me and I'm pretty much brainstorming here.  I'm not sure I'm even making sense, or that I would have any good ideas about this dilemma.  But I'm willing to explore it a little more if you are - and I won't be offended if you think my approach isn't helping.

 

More disclosure - I'm going to try to go to sleep now so I may not be back for awhile.  But if I can't sleep, this is the most likely place I'll be.

[Anouk]

That's definitely something that I've thought about, considering my right to know how someone else is feeling if they resist sharing it openly with me.

 

I suppose, then, I'm looking for a non-invasive question or spread. I was thinking "how can I help x" but then there's an assumption that she needs help, which may not be the case.

 

I'm glad you've thought about it.  I believe we have a responsibility as readers to use our abilities in ways that we each believe are ethical.  Not that we all have to have the same opinion on what is okay or not okay to do, just that we all come to our own well thought out conclusions.

 

I guess the first thing I would want to know, as you pointed out, is whether she needs help; and if I thought she did, then I would ask what kind of help she needs.  Could you share what it is that is worrying you?  The more specific the better, like maybe "I think her son may be using drugs" or "she's been missing a lot of work and I think she may be ill".  And some details about your friendship might help too, like has she confided you in the past?  How much do you know about the area of her life that you are worried about, and how do you know it?  Do you have mutual friends who might be non-privacy-invading sources of information?  And so forth.

 

Full disclosure - this is brand new territory for me and I'm pretty much brainstorming here.  I'm not sure I'm even making sense, or that I would have any good ideas about this dilemma.  But I'm willing to explore it a little more if you are - and I won't be offended if you think my approach isn't helping.

 

More disclosure - I'm going to try to go to sleep now so I may not be back for awhile.  But if I can't sleep, this is the most likely place I'll be.

I know a lot about her past and she's struggled with all kinds of things that she's trying to move past and heal.

 

My concern is that christmas time would be rough on her as she is estranged from family. She shuts down when she's struggling and she's been quiet lately on social media which is why I'm concerned.

 

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[Grandma]

I know a lot about her past and she's struggled with all kinds of things that she's trying to move past and heal.

 

My concern is that christmas time would be rough on her as she is estranged from family. She shuts down when she's struggling and she's been quiet lately on social media which is why I'm concerned.

 

Again, she is lucky to have you as a friend.

 

So I'm still kind of thinking out loud here, or whatever you'd call it when I'm writing, not talking, but maybe you could approach the reading with the same attitude that you might use in a conversation where you might say something like "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I'm worried about you enough to be a little pushy.  I'm not trying to read your mind, it's just that you've told me so much about your family and your past, and the holidays can be so hard, and you've been so withdrawn, that I think I have a pretty good idea that you may be struggling.  I care about you and I want to help if I can".

 

Maintaining that same attitude, come up with a meta-question like "using only information that she has already told me or that I know from my own observations, what can I reasonably determine about my friend's current state of mind".  And then set positions with separate questions like "what bad memories may be weighing her down" or "how is she likely to be coping with the loneliness of Christmas without her family" and other questions along the lines of "what has helped her deal with these issues in the past" and "what can I do to help her now".

 

Maybe the spread could be a card in the center to represent your friend, with a vertical row to the left for questions about what she may be going through and a vertical row to the right for questions about what might help.

 

Again, I've never done this kind of reading or even thought about it, so take what I'm saying with a shaker of salt.

[Anouk]

I know a lot about her past and she's struggled with all kinds of things that she's trying to move past and heal.

 

My concern is that christmas time would be rough on her as she is estranged from family. She shuts down when she's struggling and she's been quiet lately on social media which is why I'm concerned.

 

Again, she is lucky to have you as a friend.

 

So I'm still kind of thinking out loud here, or whatever you'd call it when I'm writing, not talking, but maybe you could approach the reading with the same attitude that you might use in a conversation where you might say something like "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I'm worried about you enough to be a little pushy.  I'm not trying to read your mind, it's just that you've told me so much about your family and your past, and the holidays can be so hard, and you've been so withdrawn, that I think I have a pretty good idea that you may be struggling.  I care about you and I want to help if I can".

 

Maintaining that same attitude, come up with a meta-question like "using only information that she has already told me or that I know from my own observations, what can I reasonably determine about my friend's current state of mind".  And then set positions with separate questions like "what bad memories may be weighing her down" or "how is she likely to be coping with the loneliness of Christmas without her family" and other questions along the lines of "what has helped her deal with these issues in the past" and "what can I do to help her now".

 

Maybe the spread could be a card in the center to represent your friend, with a vertical row to the left for questions about what she may be going through and a vertical row to the right for questions about what might help.

 

Again, I've never done this kind of reading or even thought about it, so take what I'm saying with a shaker of salt.

That is excellent. Thank you xxx

 

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[Grandma]

I hope it helps, and  I hope you'll let me know what you come up with and how it works.  And now I am going to try once again to get some sleep, but if I still can't sleep I'll be back.  It's astonishing how much time I spend here!  I'm so lucky to have this forum.

[Anouk]

I hope it helps, and  I hope you'll let me know what you come up with and how it works.  And now I am going to try once again to get some sleep, but if I still can't sleep I'll be back.  It's astonishing how much time I spend here!  I'm so lucky to have this forum.

I feel I need more energy to tackle this than I currently have. In the next few days I should be more focused.

 

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[Guest Night Shade]

 

 

Maintaining that same attitude, come up with a meta-question like "using only information that she has already told me or that I know from my own observations, what can I reasonably determine about my friend's current state of mind".  And then set positions with separate questions like "what bad memories may be weighing her down" or "how is she likely to be coping with the loneliness of Christmas without her family" and other questions along the lines of "what has helped her deal with these issues in the past" and "what can I do to help her now".

 

Maybe the spread could be a card in the center to represent your friend, with a vertical row to the left for questions about what she may be going through and a vertical row to the right for questions about what might help.

 

I think Grandma[/member] has a great idea here, Crowleyreader[/member] .  Even though you want to help your friend, asking how they feel really is an invasion of privacy, especially if they really don't want to talk about it.

 

The few times I've experimented with a question like this, I've found that it's my own feelings about the situation that come through in the reading, not the other persons.  If you're too close to the situation, questions about thoughts and feelings end up with very skewed and confused answers.  All in all, like Grandma said, better to ask what she's going through and how you can help her.

[Grizabella]

All in all, like Grandma said, better to ask what she's going through and how you can help her.

 

I don't see how this is any different than asking the question as it was first mentioned here. We can pussy-foot around and juggle words till the cows come home, but we're still asking the same thing.

 

 

[Anouk]

I... Got really self occupied and didn't end up doing the reading at all. Part of me chose not to meddle in her private life and wait for her to come to me.

 

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[DanielJUK]

I think it's a choice you have to make, 3rd party readings are an ethical consideration like Grandma said. Some people won't do readings without the person's express permission and others don't care about this at all, we have to work it out for ourselves, there isn't a moral "right or wrong" just what do you feel comfortable with and have considered the issue.

 

I have read for friends but I don't read for every friend, like how are they? how will 2019 go for them? I would get their permission to do that, I only read when I am worried about someone without their permission. For me I have to be able to justify it to myself, concern rather than prying.

 

I would suggest, "what do I need to know about *friend*?" or "how is my friend really doing?" By asking it in that way, the universe will tell you what you need to know and not what you don't need to know, just some ideas  :)

[Grandma]

All in all, like Grandma said, better to ask what she's going through and how you can help her.

 

I don't see how this is any different than asking the question as it was first mentioned here. We can pussy-foot around and juggle words till the cows come home, but we're still asking the same thing.

 

I disagree.  The question as asked requires information the friend has declined to give.  The new question relies on information the friend has given in the past and on direct observation of the friend.  It is a philosophical difference and an important distinction to some of us. 

 

If others feel differently that's fine with me.  I don't claim the moral high ground, I'm just stating my opinion.  And I never pussy-foot around and juggle words, and I certainly don't do it until the cows come home.

 

But I don't mind if you think I do, Grizabella[/member] .  I even give you permission to ask the cards what I'm thinking and feeling about this issue.  Who knows, maybe I don't know myself as well as I like to think I do and I will learn something about myself from your reading!

[Starlight]

[deleted]

[Saskia]

How about you ask how could you be of most help to her, or what kind of steps you could take to be there for her? It doesn't assume she NEEDS help; everyone could use a friendly face or helping hand in their everyday life.

 

The help could simply be making yourself available, or, not meddling with her life in any way, shape or form. It gives you the answer you need - what should YOU do in this situation - and doesn't attempt to gauge her inner workings.

[Anouk]

How about you ask how could you be of most help to her, or what kind of steps you could take to be there for her? It doesn't assume she NEEDS help; everyone could use a friendly face or helping hand in their everyday life.

 

The help could simply be making yourself available, or, not meddling with her life in any way, shape or form. It gives you the answer you need - what should YOU do in this situation - and doesn't attempt to gauge her inner workings.

That's a good point. Thank you.

 

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[Grizabella]

I guess I can see how you'd think I was attacking you, Grandma, but I wasn't at all. I really don't see the difference. I respect the fact that you do, though.

 

I wasn't being critical of you in particular when I said "we can pussy-foot around" I wasn't aiming that at you, but at readers in general. "We" can be a mighty big word sometimes.

[Grandma]

Oh thank you dear Grizabella.  I think I over reacted.  I hope we are friends.  Great grandmas like us should stick together!  We belong to a very blessed club, after all.

 

Love, Grandma

[Grizabella]

Of course we're still friends!  <3

 

Yes, us granny and great-granny folks need to stick together.  :thumbsup: 

[Grizabella]

Since you already know this friend isn't forthcoming when asked about how he/she's doing, I'd say to leave it alone. This person obviously prefers to keep things to themselves so in that case, I'd say it's not proper to ask the cards. If the friend doesn't tell you, that's a sign they don't want you to know so respect that.  <3

 

If this were a friend you just hadn't seen or heard from for awhile at all, that might be somewhat different. But still, I'd structure the spread just to tell you if they're safe, not to try to get answers to things you're curious about with regard to this person.

 

 

[gregory]

I think it's a choice you have to make, 3rd party readings are an ethical consideration like Grandma said. Some people won't do readings without the person's express permission and others don't care about this at all, we have to work it out for ourselves, there isn't a moral "right or wrong" just what do you feel comfortable with and have considered the issue.

 

I have read for friends but I don't read for every friend, like how are they? how will 2019 go for them? I would get their permission to do that, I only read when I am worried about someone without their permission. For me I have to be able to justify it to myself, concern rather than prying.

 

I would suggest, "what do I need to know about *friend*?" or "how is my friend really doing?" By asking it in that way, the universe will tell you what you need to know and not what you don't need to know, just some ideas  :)

All in all, like Grandma said, better to ask what she's going through and how you can help her.

 

I don't see how this is any different than asking the question as it was first mentioned here. We can pussy-foot around and juggle words till the cows come home, but we're still asking the same thing.

 

I disagree.  The question as asked requires information the friend has declined to give.  The new question relies on information the friend has given in the past and on direct observation of the friend.  It is a philosophical difference and an important distinction to some of us. 

 

If others feel differently that's fine with me.  I don't claim the moral high ground, I'm just stating my opinion.  And I never pussy-foot around and juggle words, and I certainly don't do it until the cows come home.

I feel as you do. But I still feel the best question to ask would be one that woudl offer you suggestions on what you can actually do. How would it actually help you to know your friend's in a bad way ? Even if they actually are ?

 

How about you ask how could you be of most help to her, or what kind of steps you could take to be there for her? It doesn't assume she NEEDS help; everyone could use a friendly face or helping hand in their everyday life.

 

The help could simply be making yourself available, or, not meddling with her life in any way, shape or form. It gives you the answer you need - what should YOU do in this situation - and doesn't attempt to gauge her inner workings.

I'm with Daniel and Saskia. Ask how you can help. That would give you something you can actually do.