Taking back my power

[katrinka]

The key is to look at how people who have been historically pushed around, and have been able to overcome to some extent, do things.

Black women and Native women generally don't react to confrontation with downcast eyes. Oh hell, no.

Don't be scared to make noise or do things that may get you labeled "rude" or "a bitch". Consider it a badge of honor.

There are people out there who will use you, wear you down to nothing and laugh at you the whole time. You're simply a chump to people like that. In their mind, you "deserve" what you get.

We don't need them, nor should we accomodate their wishes.

As humans, we have all been given a backbone. Use it.

 

[Star83]

The key is to look at how people who have been historically pushed around, and have been able to overcome to some extent, do things.

Black women and Native women generally don't react to confrontation with downcast eyes. Oh hell, no.

Don't be scared to make noise or do things that may get you labeled "rude" or "a bitch". Consider it a badge of honor.

There are people out there who will use you, wear you down to nothing and laugh at you the whole time. You're simply a chump to people like that. In their mind, you "deserve" what you get.

We don't need them, nor should we accomodate their wishes.

As humans, we have all been given a backbone. Use it.

 

I really like this comment. Its so true. And the stuff they say to criticise you, they are doing themselves. They think its OK for them to do it, but not you. I never really did understand that about some humans.

[CharlotteK]

In my early 30s I did a lot of inner child healing through hypnotherapy  (I had a talented therapist) as I had similar issues that started when I was young and had long lasting consequences into adulthood, particularly in relation to self-esteem, confidence and trust. The therapy was similar to this:

 

https://mindworkshypnotherapy.com/index.php/resources/applications/inner-child-hypnosis/

 

If this started in your youth, helping your inner child to heal could be one of the ksys that unlocks things for you.

 

 

 

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk

 

 

[Starlight]

Another book recommended to me by a counsellor was Ann Dickson's 'A Woman in Your Own Right'. https://www.amazon.com/Woman-Your-Own-Right/dp/070437269X

 

The key is to look at how people who have been historically pushed around, and have been able to overcome to some extent, do things.

Black women and Native women generally don't react to confrontation with downcast eyes. Oh hell, no.

Don't be scared to make noise or do things that may get you labeled "rude" or "a bitch". Consider it a badge of honor.

There are people out there who will use you, wear you down to nothing and laugh at you the whole time. You're simply a chump to people like that. In their mind, you "deserve" what you get.

 

Can you recommend any resources written by black or native women who tell the story about how they overcame this type of issue? Or do you know of any blogs?

[katrinka]

The key is to look at how people who have been historically pushed around, and have been able to overcome to some extent, do things.

Black women and Native women generally don't react to confrontation with downcast eyes. Oh hell, no.

Don't be scared to make noise or do things that may get you labeled "rude" or "a bitch". Consider it a badge of honor.

There are people out there who will use you, wear you down to nothing and laugh at you the whole time. You're simply a chump to people like that. In their mind, you "deserve" what you get.

 

Can you recommend any resources written by black or native women who tell the story about how they overcame this type of issue? Or do you know of any blogs?

 

There's tons of great writing on other issues they've dealt with, past, present and ongoing.  But on that specific issue? None that I'm aware of.

 

That's because submissiveness doesn't tend to be culturally prevalent in these groups, as it could potentially be lethal. Being willing to be LOUD, make eye contact, and confidence are crucial. It's funny, because a lot of people think that "minority" women are "just obnoxious". No, when you are brown and poor and live in a bad part of town, being vocal is a HUGE survival tactic. White attackers, especially well-off ones, tend to see brown women as easy victims they won't be prosecuted for. If I am broadcasting to all and sundry that I will yell the f*** out, creepers and opportunists are more likely to leave me  alone. Did you really think that it was just coincidence that poor women are loud and brash? It's just self-preservation. And they usually acquire that mindset in early childhood, rather than having to adopt it and cultivate it in adulthood.

 

All of that sounds like rape prevention (and it is), but it carries over into other areas of life as well. I'm not saying that these women never get pushed around or abused by a partner (love often gets people into bad situations), but they aren't the first choice of someone who wants to victimize them. That guy is looking for the nice, quiet girl who was taught to "be nice" at all costs, and still believes that.

 

[Starlight]

 

Did you really think that it was just coincidence that poor women are loud and brash? It's just self-preservation. And they usually acquire that mindset in early childhood, rather than having to adopt it and cultivate it in adulthood.

 

All of that sounds like rape prevention (and it is), but it carries over into other areas of life as well. I'm not saying that these women never get pushed around or abused by a partner (love often gets people into bad situations), but they aren't the first choice of someone who wants to victimize them. That guy is looking for the nice, quiet girl who was taught to "be nice" at all costs, and still believes that.

 

Wow, you have opened my eyes. It did not occur to me that there was an element of self-preservation in being loud. But it makes total sense. Thank you for sharing, katrinka[/member] . Are there any writers you would recommend as well worth reading? With everything that's going on in the world, and in the US in particular, as well as here in Australia, I'd like to learn more, see things from another perspective.

 

(I don't want to veer things away from Albadawn[/member] 's purpose for this thread, so I can PM you, if that's ok. I mean, I see a correlation between what you've mentioned and the issues Albadawn in working through, but this might not necessarily be a direction Albadawn is looking for just yet. Hence the suggestion to PM.)

[Albadawn]

CharlotteK[/member] Star83[/member] katrinka[/member] Starlight[/member] - Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I LOVE reading and I will definitely look into getting my hands on these books. I'm currently working my way through "When God Was A Woman" Merlin Stone - very dense and thoroughly researched, it's definitely changing my perspective on things. I also read "Witch" by Lisa Lister in a day, and am going to go back over it again. Both are very feminist works and have been helpful to me; your suggestions will be added to the armory!

 

Interestingly I have a VERY loud voice, but generally avoid making eye contact, as I find it intimidating. There are very few people whose eyes I can look into comfortably.

 

As humans, we have all been given a backbone. Use it.

 

This shall be my mantra when I'm feeling overpowered. Thank you.

[Albadawn]

So I did the ritual I planned, the one with the two candles. I spent a while last night meditating and carving them with various words describing what I wanted. The ritual itself took a lot longer than I'd expected and a lot of stuff came up, especially about the person I had to break ties with last month. I felt so many different things - rage, injustice, vengeance, sorrow - while the black candle was burning. I actually bawled my eyes out at one point, which I rarely do, and hadn't allowed myself to do over the loss of this friendship. By the end of it all I felt quite drained but so, so much more peaceful than I've been feeling.

 

I also had a range of tarot cards I used as symbols of what I wanted the spell to achieve. I used the Star card as a placekeeper, laying it over each other card as I felt the ritual progressing towards my goal.

 

Once I lit the pink candle something else occurred to me. This person in all likelihood wasn't out to get me. I reread the messages we'd last sent each other and realised they were just as oblivious as I was to how the dynamic had shifted between us into something deeply unhealthy. In hindsight they seemed rather shocked and unsettled by what had happened and said it had made them take a long, hard look at themselves. I realised that we both made genuine, honest mistakes with our friendship, thinking we understood each other, and taking that understanding for granted.

 

Recognising that has helped me move towards a place of compassion and forgiveness, towards both of us. I feel like the tie between us has been released now, and that I can move on.

 

Towards the conclusion of the ritual I felt some guidance come to me for going forward: "Inhale forgiveness, exhale anger." I did this for a good while and am going to do it any time I start to feel wound up about her again. I also felt I should keep a piece of rose quartz in my cage necklace until the next Full Moon, so I'm going to do that.

 

I know the work ahead of me is going to take a lot of time. I know I keep saying it but I'm just so grateful for the safe space you have all provided for me to work through this. You've given me so many ideas and so much insight, and I feel like I'm getting through this more swiftly than I would have done alone. The great thing is that anyone else who might be going through something similar will have these words, too. Who knows who else we may have helped?

 

I can honestly say I hope that the person I parted ways with will be happy and well. I never thought I'd get to that point.

 

So once again, thank you. Everyone who contributes to this forum brings so much to the table. I hope at some point I can bring something to help others too.  :-*

[Starlight]

It sounds like you had a deeply healing ritual session and reached a place of peace. That is so good to hear. 2018 has very definitely gotten off to a great start. :)

[Albadawn]

Thanks Starlight :) I'm quite excited for this year, to see how it unfolds. :)