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Recovering From Narc Abuse-what Cards Resonate?

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I am working with Face Up spreads as described by Mary Greer to work on recovering from a long relationship with a covert narcissist. I am re-learning how to trust myself and set strong boundaries. I am exploring my own inner peace and strength. What cards would you say embody these qualities of strength, inner peace, and self love? 

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9 minutes ago, Halcyon said:

I am working with Face Up spreads as described by Mary Greer to work on recovering from a long relationship with a covert narcissist. I am re-learning how to trust myself and set strong boundaries. I am exploring my own inner peace and strength. What cards would you say embody these qualities of strength, inner peace, and self love? 

Dear Halcyon,

 

Congratulations on getting out of that!! And with the cards, I nearly said ”All of them!”

 

One of the challenges is just about finding your own thoughts, ideas, feelings etc. again. I’m sure you know that! 

 

So, just sitting with the cards, and any introspection you can do, and whatever comes up to deal with; without that person meddling and tampering with your mind, is a step away from that person, and more into finding your own ground and self again.

 

Honestly, those people are like spiders creeping up inside, web is everywhere and it can take a long time to untangle yourself. Emotionally as well.

 

Give yourself time, talk about it, find support here and off-line, compliment yourself for getting out — acknowledge that that’s A BIG MOVE — and you’re already strong and wise for moving away!!

 

And don’t give up.

 

You’ll get there, and you’ll have your life again!!

 

It can take a while, but you will, and that person will have zero significance anymore. 

 

:animated-smileys-hug-002:

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Posted (edited)

It'll be the shadow-side of the cards first.  You have to understand why you attracted him & fell for him, why you didn't see through him earlier, & what role he played in your life.  It's a painful process, but necessary, otherwise it'll just happen again.   

 

The Devil is the obvious card, and maybe The Emperor if you had a difficult relationship with your father.  Perhaps not so obvious is the 6 of Pentacles & the mutual dependence of the abuser & the abused ... and you have to address the balance within yourself.   On a more Jungian level is the dark-side of 2 of Cups ... they are looking in each others eyes: they see nothing else but soulmates, the love of their lives, they see a reflection of themselves (the two look alike in the card) but one is the devil disguised & the other still doesn't see this.   This again is more about yourself, and recognising the 'sheep in wolf's clothing' before you fall for the same person again.

 

Everyone says they won't fall for the same type again, but they always do because they attract each other like magnate unless they understand the reasons why.  Luckily tarot is the perfect tool for this kind of self-work, deep introspection & healing.

 

When you've done the shadow-side, Ace of Cups & Temperance are the perfect tonic.  Good luck.

 

Just read it back & I didn't mean to sound so harsh....I grew up in a family & a town knee-deep in dysfunctional relationships, hence the cynicism.  However, I do stand by the above.  But yes, congratulations for the getting out!!

 

 

Edited by Cookie
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59 minutes ago, Halcyon said:

I am working with Face Up spreads as described by Mary Greer to work on recovering from a long relationship with a covert narcissist. I am re-learning how to trust myself and set strong boundaries. I am exploring my own inner peace and strength. What cards would you say embody these qualities of strength, inner peace, and self love? 

There are many cards that hold nourishing energies but the one I would really want to include would be the World. To me, no other card gives you that same energy. Looking at it, I feel that it depicts someone that is whole; fully in charge and heightened to a new level. This person is now able to celebrate themselves and their life, and their nudity is not a sign of vulnerability but of the strength that comes from knowing ones true identity. This is a very spiritual and empowering card, in my opinion. 

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1 hour ago, Halcyon said:

I am working with Face Up spreads as described by Mary Greer to work on recovering from a long relationship with a covert narcissist. I am re-learning how to trust myself and set strong boundaries. I am exploring my own inner peace and strength. What cards would you say embody these qualities of strength, inner peace, and self love? 

Congratulations on leaving a harmful relationship!  It takes strength to do that so you're already further along than  you give yourself credit for!  I love the Star card for the hope it brings and for the light it lends to guide us in the darkness.  If you ever find a single Star card, I suggest carrying it with you in your bag.  Just having that energy close will possibly provide you focus when you're feeling alone. :animated-smileys-hug-002:

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48 minutes ago, Nordica De Spell said:

Dear Halcyon,

 

Congratulations on getting out of that!! And with the cards, I nearly said ”All of them!”

 

One of the challenges is just about finding your own thoughts, ideas, feelings etc. again. I’m sure you know that! 

 

So, just sitting with the cards, and any introspection you can do, and whatever comes up to deal with; without that person meddling and tampering with your mind, is a step away from that person, and more into finding your own ground and self again.

 

Honestly, those people are like spiders creeping up inside, web is everywhere and it can take a long time to untangle yourself. Emotionally as well.

 

Give yourself time, talk about it, find support here and off-line, compliment yourself for getting out — acknowledge that that’s A BIG MOVE — and you’re already strong and wise for moving away!!

 

And don’t give up.

 

You’ll get there, and you’ll have your life again!!

 

It can take a while, but you will, and that person will have zero significance anymore. 

 

:animated-smileys-hug-002:

Thank you. And yes, just sitting with the cards, looking at them, feeling their message has been very helpful. It has been 20 long years so healing wont happen overnight. 

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44 minutes ago, Cookie said:

It'll be the shadow-side of the cards first.  You have to understand why you attracted him & fell for him, why you didn't see through him earlier, & what role he played in your life.  It's a painful process, but necessary, otherwise it'll just happen again.   

 

The Devil is the obvious card, and maybe The Emperor if you had a difficult relationship with your father.  Perhaps not so obvious is the 6 of Pentacles & the mutual dependence of the abuser & the abused ... and you have to address the balance within yourself.   On a more Jungian level is the dark-side of 2 of Cups ... they are looking in each others eyes: they see nothing else but soulmates, the love of their lives, they see a reflection of themselves (the two look alike in the card) but one is the devil disguised & the other still doesn't see this.   This again is more about yourself, and recognising the 'sheep in wolf's clothing' before you fall for the same person again.

 

Everyone says they won't fall for the same type again, but they always do because they attract each other like magnate unless they understand the reasons why.  Luckily tarot is the perfect tool for this kind of self-work, deep introspection & healing.

 

When you've done the shadow-side, Ace of Cups & Temperance are the perfect tonic.  Good luck.

 

Just read it back & I didn't mean to sound so harsh....I grew up in a family & a town knee-deep in dysfunctional relationships, hence the cynicism.  However, I do stand by the above.  But yes, congratulations for the getting out!!

 

 

I think he presented one side to me, a side I was craving: stability, kindness, intelligence and seeming compassion. Covert Narcs are really, really good at deception and making their partner feel like there is something wrong with them (gaslighting). And yes--that comment about finding my own balance rings true. The Justice and Judgment cards have been coming up a lot, as have 2 of pentacles. We are still not over the divorce process and he is making it extremely difficult, so I have to learn boundaries NOW, learn to projcet strength NOW if I am going to come out of this. 

 

I have zero interest in starting a new relationship right now, and when I say zero, i mean like negative a million--I can't trust ANYONE right now because I feel so deceived by someone I trusted. That will take a lot of time. 

 

Ace of Cups is coming up too for me in the near future spot, so that's a good sign. 

 

And you dont sound harsh at ALL.

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13 minutes ago, Saturn Celeste said:

Congratulations on leaving a harmful relationship!  It takes strength to do that so you're already further along than  you give yourself credit for!  I love the Star card for the hope it brings and for the light it lends to guide us in the darkness.  If you ever find a single Star card, I suggest carrying it with you in your bag.  Just having that energy close will possibly provide you focus when you're feeling alone. :animated-smileys-hug-002:

Thank you. Ah yes, the Star card 🙂 love it. Thank you for the suggestion of carrying it with me. The cards that are really resonating with me right now are The Hanged Man and the Fool....

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46 minutes ago, Raggydoll said:

There are many cards that hold nourishing energies but the one I would really want to include would be the World. To me, no other card gives you that same energy. Looking at it, I feel that it depicts someone that is whole; fully in charge and heightened to a new level. This person is now able to celebrate themselves and their life, and their nudity is not a sign of vulnerability but of the strength that comes from knowing ones true identity. This is a very spiritual and empowering card, in my opinion. 

Thank you. I will meditate on this card this week--the vulnerability presented in the card (which of course is a big part of its strength) is almost too much for me to bear right now, but I am striving towards it.

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6 minutes ago, Halcyon said:

Thank you. I will meditate on this card this week--the vulnerability presented in the card (which of course is a big part of its strength) is almost too much for me to bear right now, but I am striving towards it.

If it’s too soon then don’t push yourself! Self care is so important ❤️

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14 minutes ago, Halcyon said:

I think he presented one side to me, a side I was craving: stability, kindness, intelligence and seeming compassion. Covert Narcs are really, really good at deception and making their partner feel like there is something wrong with them (gaslighting). And yes--that comment about finding my own balance rings true. The Justice and Judgment cards have been coming up a lot, as have 2 of pentacles. We are still not over the divorce process and he is making it extremely difficult, so I have to learn boundaries NOW, learn to projcet strength NOW if I am going to come out of this. 

 

I have zero interest in starting a new relationship right now, and when I say zero, i mean like negative a million--I can't trust ANYONE right now because I feel so deceived by someone I trusted. That will take a lot of time. 

 

Ace of Cups is coming up too for me in the near future spot, so that's a good sign. 

 

And you dont sound harsh at ALL.

Okay, yes thanks @Halcyon for the feedback.  Yes, I can tell from what you say that you're well down that road which I speak and you're introspection has been deep.   20 years!!   I understand your need for aloneness.  

 

And gaslighting..I was so interested in the concept when I heard about it that I watched the film Gaslight from which the notion was struck...creepy.

 

Anyway, good luck, I'm sure the cards will give you the solace you seek. 

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There’s a lot out there on how to deal (and how to act) during divorce proceedings where a narcissist is the other party. 

 

My advice would be to just let go off without a fight, that which you can live without. And don’t give an ounce more of your words to him than is absolutely necessary. Communicate only on the factual; and if possible as much as possible through someone else like a lawyer. Or through the written. Ignore the vast majority of what he is saying and doing. 

 

Give him as little fuel or openings to hurt you as absolutely possible.

 

Just get out as soon as you can. 

 

(Healing is great, but may have to wait, because strength and all those good results don’t come right away or overnight, but actually healing can be a very difficult process at first... where you have to be in a safe environment to be that fragile and tend to the wounds.)

 

But just read up on how to be smart about the divorce, first of all. Even if you’re not strong right now; you can fake it and make all the right moves as recommended by those in the know.

 

Once he is gone from your life, it will feel easier to take the healing one step at a time, as needed. 🌾

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When I was going through a narcissistic / gaslighting relationship and then break up, The Devil came up A LOT. Not just for him, but for me as well. I think when your confidence gets destroyed like that you become addicted to the love-bombing phase. 

Judgement is another that would come up whenever I was doubting myself, sort of like a nudge to say "no, you know what he is, don't doubt it."

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22 minutes ago, blackandthemoon said:

When I was going through a narcissistic / gaslighting relationship and then break up, The Devil came up A LOT. Not just for him, but for me as well. I think when your confidence gets destroyed like that you become addicted to the love-bombing phase. 

Judgement is another that would come up whenever I was doubting myself, sort of like a nudge to say "no, you know what he is, don't doubt it."

Yes my judgment and self-confidence is shot.  I am learning to trust my own intuition and it's a long,  long road.  

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congrats on working through this with tarot @Halcyon and gradually moving on / releasing from an awful situation ❤️ Before I ever found a tarot forum, I got a reading from a website where inexperienced and intermediate readers would take on readings to improve their skills and you just had to give them feedback in return. I was randomly assigned a lady and we discussed the reading she did for me afterwards and I was very new to tarot then and she said that tarot had been a wonderful self-help and healer in her own life and to use it after my reading to help. Obviously tarot cannot help with everything and sometimes we need to find other outlets or professionals but it is wonderful for working on yourself and self-work! I was really taken by her words at the time that it had helped her work through so much :thumbsup:

 

About your situation, I wanted to suggest The Empress, she is strength, inner peace, and self love. She gives love and nurturing to others but she can only do that because first she learnt to love and nurture and nourish herself. Although she represents Motherhood and Femininity, she can be for any gender as a great energy to meditate on. She is partnered in tarot in a way with the Emperor but an important part of her is that she doesn't get into relationships until she has self-love and self-respect for herself. She has become comfortable with herself and comfortable with nature and when she gets to that stage, she can pass it on to others around her to help them. So my suggestion is to meditate on the wonderful energy of the Empress. It's a stage I hope to be one day with her energy 🙂

Blessings ❤️

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53 minutes ago, DanielJUK said:

congrats on working through this with tarot @Halcyon and gradually moving on / releasing from an awful situation ❤️ Before I ever found a tarot forum, I got a reading from a website where inexperienced and intermediate readers would take on readings to improve their skills and you just had to give them feedback in return. I was randomly assigned a lady and we discussed the reading she did for me afterwards and I was very new to tarot then and she said that tarot had been a wonderful self-help and healer in her own life and to use it after my reading to help. Obviously tarot cannot help with everything and sometimes we need to find other outlets or professionals but it is wonderful for working on yourself and self-work! I was really taken by her words at the time that it had helped her work through so much :thumbsup:

 

About your situation, I wanted to suggest The Empress, she is strength, inner peace, and self love. She gives love and nurturing to others but she can only do that because first she learnt to love and nurture and nourish herself. Although she represents Motherhood and Femininity, she can be for any gender as a great energy to meditate on. She is partnered in tarot in a way with the Emperor but an important part of her is that she doesn't get into relationships until she has self-love and self-respect for herself. She has become comfortable with herself and comfortable with nature and when she gets to that stage, she can pass it on to others around her to help them. So my suggestion is to meditate on the wonderful energy of the Empress. It's a stage I hope to be one day with her energy 🙂

Blessings ❤️

thank you. I am starting Jessica Dore's  class on using the tarot for inner awareness and I hope it benefits me.  And the Empress is a card that's been showing up for me a lot.  To me she represents strength and nurturance.  The question or problem I grapple with is: how can I find a healthy balance between these two characteristics?  My desire to avoid confrontation,  to care,  to see the good side: these characteristics prevented me from getting out of the relationship sooner.  I began to mistrust myself,  say "it's not so bad" even though I was so very unhappy.  I channeled that sorrow into my kids,  being the best mother I could be.  Every other aspect of my self esteem was shot to pieces.  So when it comes to the Empress,  I need to channel more of her quiet and commanding strength..she is no pushover! 

 

And this brings me to another challenge.  In 6 weeks,  my ex and I and our lawyers will meet for what i hope to be our final mediation (but that is never a sure thing with a narc,  as they like to stall and control the process,  so he might cancel,  or throw a huge wrench in the proceedings by demanding something outrageous)  This morning,  I decided to do a one card draw based on what I believe will happen in that mediation.  I believe he will try to prevent finalization by demanding something unreasonable (regarding money,  for sure).  

 

The question I asked for my one card draw was : "should I accept this unreasonable demand  in order to be done with this divorce, or should I continue to fight?" Fighting is costly and emotionally very hard for me. 

 

the card I drew was the 8 of cups.  😯 . Looks to me like the seeker turning away from what formerly gave her joy and stability (the cups neatly arranged).  I've always thought the cups in this card looked misaligned (5 on the bottom,  3 on the top)  like something was missing or off-kilter.  That's why the seeker turns away.  This card seems to be saying that when this happens in our next mediation (again,  it's not an "if". After 19 years together,  I know what my ex will do),  that I should leave,  and accept his unfair demands in order to end this lengthy process (going on 14 months) 

 

can anyone else chime in on this card in this context?

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I'm sorry you're going through all this. Leaving the cards aside for a moment, and I know it unfortunately costs money, but I would imagine there's something your own attorney could do to move this all forward and and finalize it. I do realize its a matter of expenses though. 

The 8 of Cups can signal an over indulgence in what seemed important. One can say, "I've done all I can do." After sobering up and a realization of how much energy was wasted. There are the cycles of involution and evolution in vibrations of the Moon and Strength. Transcend any limitations and always keep your Hope. 

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1 hour ago, Joe said:

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Leaving the cards aside for a moment, and I know it unfortunately costs money, but I would imagine there's something your own attorney could do to move this all forward and and finalize it. I do realize its a matter of expenses though. 

The 8 of Cups can signal an over indulgence in what seemed important. One can say, "I've done all I can do." After sobering up and a realization of how much energy was wasted. There are the cycles of involution and evolution in vibrations of the Moon and Strength. Transcend any limitations and always keep your Hope. 

Thank you. Putting aside the cards, as you say--yes, there are options. But they're very expensive, and I've already put an ungodly amount into this. And my ex and I aren't wealthy, so we aren't fighting over much. The amount it would cost to pay the lawyer to fight would likely exceed the amount I woud recieve of we brought this to court. And the emotional hardship on my two sons as well as myself would continue for at least another 9 months.  

 

Your interpretation of the 8 of Cups--wow. I will have to meditate on that. I don't want to waste any more energy on this. My future is bright and I need to move into it. 

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I realize the difficult financial side to this. Thats a shame, but I just hope I can offer a small light of hope. Thats what this is all about.

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54 minutes ago, Joe said:

I realize the difficult financial side to this. Thats a shame, but I just hope I can offer a small light of hope. Thats what this is all about.

You have. Thank you. 

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Posted (edited)
On 6/13/2019 at 10:50 AM, Halcyon said:

I am working with Face Up spreads as described by Mary Greer to work on recovering from a long relationship with a covert narcissist. I am re-learning how to trust myself and set strong boundaries. I am exploring my own inner peace and strength. What cards would you say embody these qualities of strength, inner peace, and self love? 

Unfortunately, narcissism is a worldwide epidemic so it is a important lesson you just went through and it was for a reason. No point in being upset or bitter b/c you just took a ride on the Wheel of Fortune through a learning cycle and you now have an opportunity to exit that karmic cycle. Narcissism is essentially an ego problem. The Charioteer is the quintessential Narcissist who has tamed and conquered his ego. The Devil speaks of being caught in a trap created by "two" people....who together created the demon. Strength shows you how to tame the ego....be gentle with yourself and others. The Hierophant is a narcissist b/c he is a cult individual who controls others. Those are a few of the specific cards; however, you need to learn to id the narcissist. Learn to recognize love "bombing" and reject it. Triangulating....bringing another person into the relationship is another characteristic of a NPD. I, personally, believe that a liar is a narcissist. Watch out for the lies, particularly the subtle ones. The High Priestess and the Moon cards indicate hidden agendas trickery. You should be pleased if you have been discarded...b/c that means you are out of danger.....IF you don't let them back in. Go to Utube and learn about the dangers of being involved with a narcissist. They are "setup artists"..... you are being set up and need to realize that. On the other hand if you were lucky enough to be discarded, feel empathy for the poor other woman, and as for yourself, become disinterested. It is the only method I have found that works....learn to relinquish your interest in this individual and situation. The emotion dissipates. and btw, I am speaking from experience.

 

I agree it is important to build your self esteem if it is injured. Your insecurity is precisely what made the narcissist pick you for his victim to begin with. People are insecure b/c they are ashamed of themselves usually b/c they were rejected as a child so now....you don't accept yourself for who you are. Cradle your inner child and love it b/c you probably did not get it as a child. Learn to love yourself. Take up for yourself, that little neglected child inside you.  Don't listen to anyone else's version of who you are. If you are a good person you are miles above most people. Don't be afraid to tell the truth in any situation. When you learn the power in simple truth, you will be untouchable. You were born loving yourself, and you were robbed of that....take it back. You own it if you decide you do. And stay away from narcissists b/c they will use your maimed inner child against you. It is up to you to honor her. The tarot is about choices. The magic in life and the tarot are in "choosing": choosing to exit the Wheel of Fortune and break the cyclic patterns you keep repeating in life. The cards that speak of this healing process areThe Empress and the Star....which is the higher vibration of the Empress. Temperance and the Tower are the two cards that break the Devil's hold on you. The High Priestess tells you to stop reacting...still the mind and that impish inner voice. Become disinterested.

Edited by Ruby Jewel
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14 hours ago, Halcyon said:

thank you. I am starting Jessica Dore's  class on using the tarot for inner awareness and I hope it benefits me.  And the Empress is a card that's been showing up for me a lot.  To me she represents strength and nurturance.  The question or problem I grapple with is: how can I find a healthy balance between these two characteristics?  My desire to avoid confrontation,  to care,  to see the good side: these characteristics prevented me from getting out of the relationship sooner.  I began to mistrust myself,  say "it's not so bad" even though I was so very unhappy.  I channeled that sorrow into my kids,  being the best mother I could be.  Every other aspect of my self esteem was shot to pieces.  So when it comes to the Empress,  I need to channel more of her quiet and commanding strength..she is no pushover! 

 

And this brings me to another challenge.  In 6 weeks,  my ex and I and our lawyers will meet for what i hope to be our final mediation (but that is never a sure thing with a narc,  as they like to stall and control the process,  so he might cancel,  or throw a huge wrench in the proceedings by demanding something outrageous)  This morning,  I decided to do a one card draw based on what I believe will happen in that mediation.  I believe he will try to prevent finalization by demanding something unreasonable (regarding money,  for sure).  

 

The question I asked for my one card draw was : "should I accept this unreasonable demand  in order to be done with this divorce, or should I continue to fight?" Fighting is costly and emotionally very hard for me. 

 

the card I drew was the 8 of cups.  😯 . Looks to me like the seeker turning away from what formerly gave her joy and stability (the cups neatly arranged).  I've always thought the cups in this card looked misaligned (5 on the bottom,  3 on the top)  like something was missing or off-kilter.  That's why the seeker turns away.  This card seems to be saying that when this happens in our next mediation (again,  it's not an "if". After 19 years together,  I know what my ex will do),  that I should leave,  and accept his unfair demands in order to end this lengthy process (going on 14 months) 

 

can anyone else chime in on this card in this context?

The VIII of Cups....what a wonderful card to draw. It says you are walking away from this situation....taking the high road and not looking back. I see this person as walking out of the Moon card (it is 12th house energy).  Where is he walking to....you need a second card to know this. The most important thing is to be free of this situation. Don't let any materialistic concerns tie you down. He is walking away from all the fantasies of materialism, which is what the cups are saying.....cups are fantasies. I have walked out of 2 marriages and both times I left with the barest essentials.....gave them everything....even the one carat diamond ring on my finger (I saw it on his new wife...too sad). I left it all both times and never had even one moments regret. Now I'm single and I have so much stuff I wish I could walk away again (..it's easier when you have someone to leave it with (laugh). Stop worrying and start living....you are free right now if you just see it. Let him have his demands as long as they don't interfere with your freedom. That is the only way to be free....start over with all the junk....before you know it you will be wondering how you accumulated it all so fast.

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8 hours ago, Ruby Jewel said:

Unfortunately, narcissism is a worldwide epidemic so it is a important lesson you just went through and it was for a reason. No point in being upset or bitter b/c you just took a ride on the Wheel of Fortune through a learning cycle and you now have an opportunity to exit that karmic cycle. Narcissism is essentially an ego problem. The Charioteer is the quintessential Narcissist who has tamed and conquered his ego. The Devil speaks of being caught in a trap created by "two" people....who together created the demon. Strength shows you how to tame the ego....be gentle with yourself and others. The Hierophant is a narcissist b/c he is a cult individual who controls others.

From a certain point of view there’s no point feeling anything, ever. But if you’ve just went through a 20 year relationship with someone whom has belittled you as a person, and again, 20 years of your life has gone by; imo it’s not on the same level to meet that with an ”Oh well, you were two to tango, lesson learned, now skip along happily.” 

 

(Certainly, that probably wasn’t your intention with those words, but it is how they can easily come across.)

 

Anyway, with over 40 years of various experience of this, (where my marriage was only one aspect of a lifelong sorrow,) well I wanted to shine a bit of light on the following:

 

NPD isn’t essentially an ego problem; it’s an attachment problem. It’s about very young children and babies not getting what they need in order to grow up into healthy human beings. You can compare it with a tree damaged in infancy whom grew crooked, or a crow hurt their leg and has to skip along the best they can. It’s not an illness, it’s a disorder due to damage. The brain grew wrong during the formative years, and brain plasticity can do nothing to help that, aka it’s irreversible. 

 

It’s been shown that babies can physically die from a lack of love. If they physically die, surely that’s not an ”ego problem,” and once it has happened, then surely it can’t be ”fixed.” A dead baby won’t come back to life just because you have a personal belief system that it can. 

 

NPD is natural, in the sense that Nature has got plenty of examples of when ”something happened to alter something” for an individual between seed and full unfolding.

 

NPD happens as one of those last resorts, where the child is altered that way, or they die. As life’s directive is to live, it twists and turns itself in order to find these alternative solutions, in that part of the child, or a version of the child, lives on. Nature is known to be economical and what can be salvaged, is. 

 

For those people surrounding the person with NPD, it’s at its core a frequency of intense sadness. 

 

It isn’t our call to make when Halcyon will heal from her ordeal, but she’s in her full right to go through the motions, including bitterness and feeling upset. Nature will do all it can to repair her, where in her case, brain plasticity might be a real factor in that. And probably there IS a point with all those natural feelings coming up, so as not to be so quick to prune them...

 

At least as an outsider; and imo it’s important to show her and her process, the respect now, that she deserves.

 

So, we don’t have to get in line behind her ex, ready to tell her how to feel and when to heal, and I feel it’s safe to say that it won’t be today or tomorrow though. 

 

(Again, that’s probably not how you intend it... and I just want to put that caution out there.)

 

My own marriage/relationship with someone with NPD officially lasted for 8 years, in reality for 10, and sometimes there’s still a bit of residue from that. Healing for me, wasn’t about picking myself up and moving on from one day to the next. It can take plenty of time, with every and all feeling in between. And I value the sadness and anger that I’ve felt, because it was a bridge back to my real self. It was me, being on MY side, and not his anymore. Honouring what MY inner child gone through. There’s a powerful healing in that.

 

I also want to say that the idea has been brought up more than once in this thread, that The Narcissist somehow ”choose” their victims, which is a common myth, and according to science that’s simply not true. The Narcissist puts THE SAME shine on everyone, but not everyone puts up with it. And THAT’S the key... 

 

It’s been shown that people with more than an average share of empathy PUTS UP WITH MORE than the average person; they are not as likely to hit the brakes and move themselves away from the situation, and they are very caught up in trying to be understanding and helpful... and that’s of course not a flaw, but in some situations it can be said to be unfortunate. 

 

So; this is something that we need to educate ourselves about, and (imo) educate our children about, and like you say, to see the signs beforehand, and to know the inherent strength inside (and its potential weakness)of ourselves. It’s how we get our trust back... 

 

We put the trust back in choosing for ourselves, as WE CAN LEARN to see the landscape clearly and its pitfalls. And our own vehicle, what it can handle, what it can’t handle, and why. Once we know, we know!

 

Just wanted to put that disclaimer out there... 

 

BUT

 

You’ve written so much on this thread, and WITH MOST OF IT I can only wholeheartedly agree, I really want to emphasize that.  

 

(It’s really only with the above quoted text that I wanted to add my perspective.)

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Posted (edited)

Of course, my personal perspective is only one of many. Thank you for yours. I feel great empathy for anyone who has or is going through the NPD experience and so I offered the advice that worked well for me. I think our backgrounds are comparable. My focus was intended to be on the tarot cards in particular and not necessarily my personal opinion, which, as the saying goes, "everyone has one." I always like the Buddhists' response when confronted with a formidable wall of conflicting opinions: "Is that so?"

Edited by Ruby Jewel

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